If I was looking for a destructive way of detaching from reality, I suppose I could use meth. Instead, I watch the Bachelor. It is the best show on TV.
You may ask why I have spent entire hours of my life participating in this spectacle. It's a fair question. The reason is that I have a sworn duty to empathize with the complex needs and emotions of my wife. With that, I join her in consuming ABC's focus-group tested, ratings-driven interpretation of true love. Every Monday. For the past four years.
I assume Roman peasants felt the same way watching enslaved gladiators slaughter each other in the Coliseum. In the end, the emperor decided who lived and died and the audience always wanted blood. In those days, they positioned their thumbs. In the Bachelor, they hand out roses. At least ABC could throw us free bread every once and a while.
So with that, here are three questions that I would like to ask producers of the Bachelor.
Why are they always Drinking Wine?
For some reason the producers decided that romance equates with copious amounts of alcohol. Half full wine glasses are some of the most prominent props in the show beside roses and drama. There is even a formula. They drink white wine during the day, red wine at night, and bubbly wine on special occasions. You see them take sips, but the glasses are never empty. You wouldn't be wrong to think that tolerance for binge-drinking is a requirement for all seekers of love.
Possible answer:
If
Alcohol= drama
and
Drama=ratings
and
Ratings=money
Then
Alcohol=money.
Its the transitive property of society's slow painful death.
What is Chris Harrison's purpose?
Years from now, when Chris Harrison looks back on his time in this role, I hope for his sake that he has some sense of fulfillment. More likely, he'll accept the emptiness in his soul for the satisfaction of dying peacefully on a yacht somewhere classy in Europe.
His main responsibilities involve making small talk with the Bachelor/Bachelorette, facilitating uncomfortable situations with contestants and voicing promos. But his most important job cannot be overstated. Without fail, Chris Harrison MUST remind the Bachelor/ Bachelorette that the last rose is indeed the last rose. This is key. How else would we know? Luckily, Mr. Harrison is very good at this job. Like a turd after Taco Bell, you can depend on him to show up for duty at every rose ceremony.
Possible answer:
File this job under the "someone's gotta do it" category right next to Kanye's therapist.
What is Chris Harrison's purpose?
Years from now, when Chris Harrison looks back on his time in this role, I hope for his sake that he has some sense of fulfillment. More likely, he'll accept the emptiness in his soul for the satisfaction of dying peacefully on a yacht somewhere classy in Europe.
His main responsibilities involve making small talk with the Bachelor/Bachelorette, facilitating uncomfortable situations with contestants and voicing promos. But his most important job cannot be overstated. Without fail, Chris Harrison MUST remind the Bachelor/ Bachelorette that the last rose is indeed the last rose. This is key. How else would we know? Luckily, Mr. Harrison is very good at this job. Like a turd after Taco Bell, you can depend on him to show up for duty at every rose ceremony.
Possible answer:
File this job under the "someone's gotta do it" category right next to Kanye's therapist.
What is the greater motivation... true feelings for the Bachelor/Bachelorette, a desire to win, or hatred of the other contestants?
This is one of the great debates about this show and judging by the dismal track record of lasting Bachelor relationships, I am pretty comfortable excluding "true feelings". The sick thing about the Bachelor is how ABC profits off of exposing the natural human desire to beat destroy competitors. The result is a charade of personal slights, embarrassing sexual exploits and narcissism, all for the viewing pleasure of a national prime time audience. This is true among both male and female contestants. In this way, the Bachelor is a nice micro-demonstration of Darwinism. The strongest, most attractive and fertile have the opportunity to pass along their genes while the remainders are left crying in a limo on Chris Harrison's pointless shoulder.
Possible answer:
A combination of desire to win and hatred of other contestants.
I'll conclude in the same way I started, by pointing out that as weekly consumers of the Bachelor, my wife and I are probably part of the problem. The time I spent writing this blog only supplements the amount of my life that has been consumed and entertained by this horrible fabulous reflection on our culture. For some, it represents a fantasy of true love. For my wife and me, its an escape from the daily stresses of things that actually matter. I've said it before and I'll say it again. The Bachelor is the best show on TV.
I have never watched the bachelor..you made me curious..I may have to have some red wine(night time)and enter the coliseum
ReplyDeleteThe last part of what you wrote must have been cut. I'm sure the last sentence you wrote was something like, "The Bachelor is the best show on TV, followed closely by This Old House." I think it's a problem with my browser.
ReplyDelete